xX The Hipster Checklist Xx

Dear bullshit blog that no one reads but my ex-girlfriend that became a lesbian,

I need to show the world that everyone but me is a lemming, and that I’m a tender snowflake of individuality and man-sticking-it-to-itiveness. I’m also a veritable epicure of cool—I mean God damn I’m cool—but to be truly cool, you can’t say you’re cool outright, so you have to express it in other ways, like your clothes and accessories and the music you listen to. Do I have what I need in order to cast my beacon of self-expression out to the cold, cold world?

•iPhone, or at the very least, iPod Touch? Check.

•Tight jeans with stiching that somehow manages to make my ass look even skinnier and flatter? Check.

•Neck bandana or scarf? Check.

•Military-type jacket featuring patches of obscure bands from the early ’90s and hand-drawn ones with phrases like “BURN THE FUCKER DOWN?” Check.

•Keys on a carabiner attached to belt loop? Check.

•Large messenger bag? Check.

•Taste for bands that start with the word “My,” or whose name is a hanging predicate? Check.

•Thick-black-rimmed glasses? Check.

•Straight, floppy hair that covers one eye/disgustingly greasy messy tangly hair? Check.

•MySpace with 20,000 friends and a screenname like “~* xX these shameful shores Xx *~”? Check.

•The word “indie” is used more than once or twice a week? Check.

•Room full of foreign independent film posters? Check.

•Fixed-gear bicycle? Check. Bonus point if it has no brakes.

•Will eat anything so long as it comes from the Near, Middle, or Far East and involves chipotle somehow? Check.

•Blog that takes itself way too seriously on matters of popular culture, music, or whatever bullshit happens to be on my mind at the moment? Check.

•Vocabulary gleaned mainly from Urban Dictionary and VH1? Check.

•Going to be a journalist of some sort? Check.

•Parents that drive BMWs and have three houses? Check.

•Still get together with my exes for comfort sex and then cry about it the next morning? Check.

•Never done a day of real work in my life? Check.

•Self-important, passively conceited, snobbish attitude of superiority? Check.

Now I truly am Hip, and everyone will really see how one-of-a-kind I am. Just like all the others.