Ex-Boyfriend Watch #1: No Need to be Coy, Roy

To paraphrase Chunky Dog’s old man when we were at his house late one night shooting a film re-enactment of Elvis’s last moments and awoke him from his bear-like slumber with our multiple takes of falling off the toilet, I DON’T WANNA HEAR THIS SHIT. And by this shit, I mean my first kinda-sorta boyfriend from a couple years back (who dumped me) who decided to email me the other day.

So I was cruising the slag heap of wayward souls known as OKCupid.com, looking at what their electric robots decided were my best matches. And I see that he, let’s call him Dean, has a profile! And we’re an 83% match! Jesus. For a little back story, Dean and I met on craigslist back in the halcyon days of 2007, when I worked for Tweeter (R.I.P.) and lived in the verdant hills of Brighton. He answered an ad I’d placed looking for some sort of serious relationship. Dean seemed like the perfect guy for me: very intelligent (a Harvard type), musical, not too gay, quirky, cute, blond, could quote Homestar Runner and Steely Dan, the whole bit. I found it hard to believe someone like that would be looking on craigslist, but there we were. We really clicked. Yet as we got closer, he seemed less and less interested— breaking dates, et cetera— eventually, he said that school was consuming his life, and broke it off. Over email. Jesus.

It would be a while before I got another boyfriend. In that intervening time, I wondered if I would ever find someone like him again. Though time went on, I found someone else, and Dean faded into the cobwebs of my mind. Until this.

So I click on Dean’s profile. He’s still using the picture he sent me two years ago when he answered my ad. I read some of his profile BS, and remember some of the things I liked about him. I even briefly consider sending him a message, but figure that would be way out of line. Yet lo and behold, I wake up the next morning and there in my inbox is a message from Dean. See, on OKStupid, you can see when someone views your profile. He saw that I’d looked at his. Jesus.

In a nutshell, he felt the need to apologize to me again for his “flakiness,” and said that he’d like to talk about it. I was more than a little surprised, to say the least. Okay, I thought, I’ll throw him a bone. Who knows, maybe we’ll re-connect? So I let it simmer for the day until I got home from work, and wrote him back. I was very magnanimous about the whole thing. Said I’d like to talk. Gave him my email and IM. This was on Monday the 30th. As of this writing it is Thursday the 2nd. Not a word.

This reminds me of the time I was fired from The Boston Pedal Party for pretending I was stuck in Woods Hole. The manager shit-canned me over text message, then called me back the next morning groveling for my return. It’s like, if you’re gonna do it, do it. Don’t play games. Make a commitment. Don’t say something if you don’t mean it. Just hop on the bus, Gus…don’t need to discuss much. Jesus.

Stay tuned for further updates.